Friday, 7 September 2012

Back from the blogging dead

Hello everyone!! Yes, I am still alive!! So much has happened since the last time I wrote in this blog... The main one being that just over a week after my last post, my step father passed away. For a long time he'd had problems with alcohol. Mum skyped me and apparently he went to the hospital with alcohol related illness and the doc said if he had one more drink he'd die. Which he did. That was the single most devastating thing to happen to me this year. I wandered around the flat for two days in my pjs, just about remembering to eat. The problem was, he was an alcoholic and we had lost touch because of it. He used to email me on my birthday, but the last couple of years he didnt, so I figured he'd sunk so far down that everyone that ever mattered to him was forgotten, buried under a drunk fog... It was really sad, cos my dad was a smart man when he wasn't drinking, so it was such a waste. I was furious for a long time, some days I still get mad at him, and when no one is about I talk to him and I say 'why? Why did you have to go and do that?' He was the one that taught me to ride a bike and took the stabilisers off before I was ready. He taught me how to cook, that's the best thing he left me, the technique for his roast potatoes. He taught me the birds and the bees and about boys, and how not to do dumb stuff on a night out. He taught me that it didnt matter if I wore the latest clothes/shoes/makeup, as long as I had self belief I could be pretty much anything and go pretty much anywhere. He gave me confidence to always be myself and stop worrying about what others thought of me. He taught me honesty, cos telling a lie when I was a kid meant a smacked bum!! He could fix anything, make pretty much any dish you wanted. When I was a kid I always had a birthday tea, and it didn't matter what the main course was, dessert was always strawberries and cream. I didn't talk to my mum for a few days afterwards, not cos I blamed her, but because grief is a lonely place, and even if two people are grieving for the same person, you can't go there together, it's an individual experience. Mr A got me through it, not by fussing, but just acting normal. Fathers day was difficult, so will Christmas be (well, it always is cos I'm here and my family are somewhere else, I love mr AB's mum and dad to pieces but it's not the same), then it'll be his birthday and the one year anniversary, after that I might get my bubble back. I'm still me, but as I said to a friend a couple of months back, something in me broke when he died, and I am not quite the same. I'm not as quick to laugh at a joke, I'm a little quieter, more reflective. I think maybe I will never be the same again. In other news, I have finally managed to change jobs!! Where I'm working now is just not suiting me, so I'm going back into nursing care with the elderly. It's what I'm truly good at, and I've discovered I miss it. I've also been working in the pub, which might seem strange given what happened to my dad, but I've enjoyed it. Other drunk people don't particularly bother me, seeing it so much growing up I think I'm immune to it!! I've enjoyed being part time the last few months but now I'm ready to get back in the saddle. I haven't cross stitched for a very long time, haven't felt the urge. I am toying with the idea of getting back into my knitting though, if I do I'll start with something small like a hat! Or maybe knit myself a scarf for winter haha!! Mr A and I have lived together for 18 months, and considering I was worried it'd all go wrong we couldn't be happier! I am currently not much use as I appear to have done my back in again!!! We are currently saving for the wedding/house (well he is unti I start my new job)!! I will try and post regularly again, it all depends if something interesting happens In my life lol

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